Saturday, July 16, 2011

Gearing up to get an agent - Query Contest

Part 3 of the blogfest Deana Barnhart is running, is a query critique round. Since I've just re-done my query, this is a perfect opportunity! I'm going to post both versions I have so you can tell me which you think works better. Because my book is a dual narrative, each focuses on a different character's journey.

EDITED!
Thanks to some fabulous comments, here is a new version with the best of both queries included..

Dear Agent of my Dreams,

# #butter ‘em up stuff about why I chose them and why I thought they’d like my book ## and thought you might be interested in CHASING THE TAILLIGHTS, an 87 000 word contemporary YA novel told in alternating perspectives.

Lucy and Tony share nothing except their genetic code and a love of rock music. Tony’s the driven high achiever, the champion diver destined for greatness. Lucy’s biggest concern is getting the cute guy from the burger joint to ask her out.

When a car accident kills their parents, Lucy and Tony are forced to rely on one another--and decide whether to reveal their secrets. Tony has a crush on Jake, his best friend, while what Lucy knows about the accident is so devastating it sends her into a spiral of self-destruction.

As the siblings struggle to overcome a lifetime of past conflicts and jealousies, they discover they might have more in common than they ever thought.

My short stories have appeared in Halfway Down The Stairs, A Fly in Amber, Daily Flash Anthology, The Barrier Islands Review, Death Rattle, Drastic Measures, Residential Aliens, Cutlass and Musket: Tales of Piratical Skullduggery, and Rapunzel’s Daughter: After the Happily Ever After among others.

As per your submission requirements, you will find the first XXX pages and a synopsis below. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Kate

So, what do you think????

16 comments:

  1. I prefer the first query. There's a bit more voice and conflict.

    Here are some areas to consider:

    1. I have very little sense of what the novel is about from this query, other than a relationship between the MC & Tony.

    2. The "scarred -- both" line comes across as cliche.

    3. The suppressed memory doesn't come across as a strong enough conflict.

    4. Include genre and word count, as well as some idea about target audience.

    Your query might be strengthened by adding some specificity about the novel. Right now, it's coming across to me as rather vague.

    Good luck!

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  2. I like query 1 as well. Can you be more specific about physicval and emotional damage? I'm still learning myself.

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  3. I was just wondering if her physical scars would be the source of the conflict along with her memory loss?

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  4. There are good points to each version. But I’m afraid the sentence, ‘thrown together and forced to overcome past conflicts’, is not much information.
    I wonder how old Tony is, if he can legally be a guardian or parent. What are Lucy’s injuries? Is he in college classes or high school? Is Lucy’s mental and physical scars the main conflict or is it Tony’s parenting skills?

    Is Child Services involved or other relatives, threatening to remove Lucy from Tony’s care?

    IMHO, I really feel there is not enough to inform the reader and create a bond.

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  5. Hi, Kate,

    What about this suggested rewrite?


    Lucy and Tony share nothing except their genetic code and a love of rock music. Tony’s the driven high achiever, the champion diver destined for greatness. Lucy’s biggest concern is getting the cute guy from the burger joint to ask her out.

    When a car accident kills their parents, Lucy and Tony are forced to rely on one another--and decide whether to reveal their secrets. Tony has a crush on Jake, his best friend, while what Lucy knows about the accident is so devastating it sends her into a spiral of self-destruction.. As the siblings struggle to overcome past conflicts and jealousies, they discover they might have more in common than they ever thought.


    CHASING THE TAILLIGHTS is an 87,000-word contemporary YA written in alternating perspectives.

    My short stories have appeared in Halfway Down The Stairs, A Fly in Amber, Daily Flash Anthology, The Barrier Islands Review, Death Rattle, Drastic Measures, Residential Aliens, Cutlass and Musket: Tales of Piratical Skullduggery, and Rapunzel’s Daughters: After the Happily Ever After among others.

    Following/attached are the first XXX pages/XXX chapters. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


    Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too! Both queries had so many excellent points, I couldn't decide, hence the suggested hybrid. What an excellent concept; I'm ready to read on!

    Michelle

    P.S. I'm a new follower. :)

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  6. I agree with Michelle I would use the best of both. I felt like you were holding back a little on the information so you didn't give too much away. I think you need to give us a little more so we want to root for the MC.

    I heard a great tip the other day. Just as an exercise--write the query from the POV of the MC. It can help you write with their VOICE and flush out what in important to them. DON'T leave it that way--agents HATE it. Just try it as an exercise.

    Good Luck :)

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  7. Thanks Michelle!

    That's an awesome rewrite and manages to tie both characters stories in, something I couldn't manage to do.

    Sometimes a fresh set of eyes can work wonders...

    So, anyone who reads the query after this, it'll be new and shiny and different!

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  8. Sounds like an intriguing premise!

    I read the new shiny different query and have a few suggestions:

    --On the hook, it take a bit to get going, since there's not all that much that's interesting about an over-achiever or a boy-crazy teen. How about skipping right to the punch: "When a car accident kills their parents, achiever Tony and boy-crazy Lucy...."

    --I got thrown off by the info that they share their genetic code--I didn't think siblings, I thought clones. :)

    --I'd prefer to learn about the alternating perspectives at the end, but that's more a personal thing, since I don't prefer alternating perspectives.

    --"Per your submission requirements": I have something similar in my query and someone pointed out that the agents know what their requirements are and don't need us to point them out. I think what we're saying here is "Hey! Look at me! I did my research! Can I have a cookie?" :D

    Good work!

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  9. I agree with the above- start the query with the car accident part (since that's the catalyst for the whole story) and then add in that first paragraph.

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  10. Hi,
    I get a strong sense of the type of story this is and what problems each of the siblings is facing, but I don't have much of an idea of what happens in the story. I think it's too much tellling (they struggle, they decide, they discover...) which certainly has the potential to lead to interesting events, but also might not.

    Tony's fears about being gay and Lucy's guilt over the accident are fairly normal reactions so what makes this story more than just an expression of those familiar stories? I think that's where you need a hook to catch the agent's eye, and I don't feel it's in the pitch yet.

    Mood
    My query is at: Moody Writing
    @mooderino

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  11. I like the idea of starting with the car accident right away too. Other than that, I liked the query letter.

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  12. Whatever changes you've made...I like them! I can't say I have any complaints:)

    If you are planning on submitting your query for the contest please email it to me by 12PM ET Tuesday.

    Good Luck!
    D

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  14. I think starting with the car accident would give the best punch. I personally prefer the agent buttering at the end of the query. Grab them with a good hook and butter them at the end. It sounds like a great read.

    I removed my comment so I could repost and say that I love your bio. That's a great resume!

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  15. I also liked Michelle's rewrite for you. Very best of luck with this:)

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  16. Hi, Kate! I think this is great! Nice voice, and an intriguing story.

    A few housekeeping things - everyone was telling me to have the hook be the first sentence, and move the introductory sentence to the final paragraph. Also, from what I've read of agents, you may rub some of them the wrong way with "I look forward to hearing from you soon".

    Nice job! Good luck!

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