The darkness is absolute. I’m not sure if my eyes are open or closed. I strain to push the lids up, but they’re already wide. Something covers my mouth and nose, making breathing difficult. My lungs burn for air, but I can only suck in tiny mouthfuls through whatever smothers my face.
I turn my head, crying out as a savage bolt of pain shoots through it. Wavy grey lines waft across the blank space before my eyes. I can’t think, can’t make sense of the darkness threatening to drown me. Certain now I won’t pass out, I gasp for breath. There’s nothing covering my face. It was the ground my nose and mouth were pressed into.
The ground? Wet. Greasy. Reeking of something that reminds me of… gas? Reaching out my left hand, I try to find something to hold onto. My fingers scrabble over small objects, pebbles perhaps, that skitter away beneath my touch. I reach further, wrapping my fist around them. Pain prickles my fingertips. Not pebbles. Glass. Small, sharp shards of glass.
Using my torn hand, I drag myself forward, an inch, maybe two.
This is a compelling beginning! I definitely wanted to read more of the story.
ReplyDeleteI loved the excellent descriptions of the pain the character is feeling, and the mystery of what is happening to him or her. I did find I needed to read this beginning twice to try to make sense of where the character was (but maybe this wouldn't be a problem in the novel, where you can read on to find out).
This line "Teetering on the edge of consciousness," makes me wonder whether the character would be able to experience things so sharply if their brain is a little fuzzy.
This excerpt gets me wondering about who the character is, and what might have happened. Great writing!
Beautiful prose but I too had to reread some parts twice--not sure how you could fix it without more details. Overall, you created empathy for your hero and set the tone--nicely done.
ReplyDeleteYikes! This person is in some serious trouble! A car accident, perhaps. This is the kind of writing I enjoy-I felt as if I were in their head. No grammatical/spelling mistakes popped out at me. Honestly, I love it, no complaints here.
ReplyDeleteWow, gripping! Definitely a powerful beginning. Just make sure that you start to show the MC's personality soon so that the reader has something to connect to, a reason to read on about them.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpicky thing, the sentence - Teetering on the edge of consciousness, wavy grey lines waft across the blank space before my eyes. - after the phrase teetering, the subject of the sentence must be who is teetering. It can't be lines.
Good luck!
This is great -- I'm almost caught in MC's fear. I felt a little disconnected from her, and maybe that's the way you want it.
ReplyDeletePeople keep telling me I need to add more deep POV, and I'm wondering if making some of your sentences about what she's feeling more "hers" would work.
eg: "I struggle to keep my wits about me..."
make it an internal thought: I need to keep my wits...(Explitive,) I can't think!
Totally your call.
Loved this book!
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptions--beautiful writing. I also love that the story drops in right at a tense part.
ReplyDeleteI agree with a few of the others I would like to feel a bit more connected to your MC. Like Amy said maybe add in some internalization and I would feel more like I was in the situation rather than watching it:)
Well done!
You definately have me hooked! What a tense beginning. You're writing is descriptive and vivid, I enjoy your voice very much.
ReplyDeleteI also like that you're writing in first person present, it gives an immediancy to the scene. It's the tense my book is in (after the prologue) and I've noticed its hard to cut down on the I's. I do this, I do that. Maybe look at a few of your sentences that begin that way and see if you can somehow rephrase.
I agree with the others that internalization would improve the scene, we know next to nothing about the MC.
Awesome way to start a book!
~K.V. Briar
Yes. YES YES YES. Loved it. It was exciting and evocative. I wonder a little how the ground is actually pressed against her face if she's on her back ... but then maybe I'm imaginging it wrong. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteOooh, very intense!! I love it. Only two tiny things:
ReplyDeleteWhen she's not sure if her eyes are open, but then confirms they are, did she physically reach up and check? It seems if she can't tell initially that she would have to reach up, but it just says she strained.
Second, I'd avoid the cliche 'keep my wits about me', or any other commonly used phrases, as much as possible and especially in your opening page.
The third paragraph is a delicious sensory experience. I really, really like it.
I'd read on! Awesome job!
Hi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI can see this so vividly, and I feel it in my chest, the anxiety and fear. I would also like to be a little more connected to the MC though. We don't even know the gender, I think. For ease of writing this, I'm going to assume female.
Internalization, yes. Maybe cut one of the grafs in half or altogether to add a touch of immediate backstory (how she got here). Or a thought that might concern her as she's riddled with pain. A person she loves who might have been with her moments before, a person who might be in danger. A person she hates who did this to her. Etc.
Also, first graf. "Get my wits about me" I'd cut, as it's cliche and not doing much.
But nerve-wracking opening, that's for sure! Thanks for sharing.
--Lora
Hi, Kate,
ReplyDeleteMy comments are in (ALL CAPS). You have a very gripping opening with your strong descriptions. I'd like to get right to my favorite parts even sooner and have suggested some places you might be able to cut and pull us in even faster and harder. I'd read on!
P.S. I didn't mark any proofreading-type things, but you might want to go back and check for them.
The darkness is absolute. (I’m not sure if my eyes are open or closed=COULD DELETE). I strain to push the lids up, but they’re already wide. Something covers my mouth and nose, making breathing difficult. My lungs burn for air, but I can only suck in tiny mouthfuls through whatever smothers my face. (CHILLING AND GRIPPING GRAPH)
I turn my head, crying out as (a savage bolt of-COULD DELETE) pain shoots through it. (Teetering on the edge of consciousness, wavy grey lines waft across the blank space before my eyes. I struggle to keep my wits about me - what’s left of them - fighting the darkness threatening to drown me. Certain now I won’t pass out,=COULD DELETE) I gasp for breath. There’s nothing covering my face. It was the ground my nose and mouth were pressed into.
The ground? Wet. Greasy. Reeking of something that reminds me of… gas? Reaching out my left hand, I try to find something to hold onto. My fingers scrabble over small objects, pebbles perhaps, that skitter away beneath my touch. I reach further, wrapping my fist around them. Pain prickles my fingertips. Not pebbles. Glass. Small, sharp shards of glass. (YOU'VE PIQUED MY CURIOUSITY.)
Using my torn hand, I drag myself forward, an inch, maybe two. (VERY GOOD)
First person present tense is a hard sell. I think that may be part of why some readers found it confusing, it's just not a format some readers are comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI think most of the confusion comes from where you've chosen to start. We don't know anything about the character or how he (or she) got there. If you could just insert a little of that information in there it would help me feel connected to the character. As it stands the character could be male or female, aged 10-99 years, weight 50-500 lbs, able-bodied or crippled, a scientific genius or a homeless dropout.
Hi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI think this is an awesome piece and had me hooked from start to finish. I didn't have a problem with the POV but I can see what others are suggesting makes sense. The only thing
I might take another look at is this part:
'My fingers scrabble over small objects...'
Your use of the word scrabble suggests quick movements, but the rest of the work implies that the MC is sluggish. Perhaps something like fumbled might be a better fit?
All the best. Can't wait to read more!
P.S. I've left a reply to your comment on Bird's-eye View, http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/07/blogfest-first-200-words-contest.html.
ReplyDeleteExcellent beginning! I'm scared for the MC. I agree with Michelle-some things could be eliminated to strengthen it. If you do take her suggestions, you will eliminate 4 out of the 10 "I's."
ReplyDeleteSuper writing!
Great start and very tense. I think that it may go on a little too long without moving the story forward. I felt myself start wanting to skip ahead to get to the story. I think that you have an excellent grasp on imagery and description. I too felt like I was there and think it is a great start.
ReplyDeleteMichelle Fayard has great thoughts and if you use them, you'll have a strong, tight beginning.
ReplyDeleteThe MC sounds like her senses are slowly returning. Did you include her hearing..like ringing in her ears or thunderous sounds trying to break through to her consciousness?
Your 200 words were very compelling...enjoyed your descriptions.
Compelling. Since I just got a tiny, tiny sliver of glass in my finger and it hurt like blazes, it strikes me that glass cuts hurt more than your mc seems to be feeling.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I LOVE this new version! Having read both, I definitely think this one more accurately captures the chaos and uncertainty of the aftermath of a car crash. It's rambling, it's chaotic... You can smell and touch and sense, but everything is disjointed, and everything appears in flashes.
ReplyDeleteI actually think it's great that everything's a little confusing, because once your readers travel with you for a little while, they will watch your main character come out of her fog, and they will realize that she was in shock when she experienced this.
THIS actually kinda feels like my real car wreck, and I don't say that very often. Congrats; you have NAILED it!
Thanks for all the great comments, everyone! Very helpful...
ReplyDelete